### And Jesus said unto Peter: Shut up

More awesomeness from Dan Savage (toned down slightly for my blog). Don't read if your sensibilities are brittle. Here's the original. BTW, I believe that this is actually how Jesus rolled. Give up your wealth, help the poor, and if you act like a hypocritical whiner, tables are gonna get upturned and heads are gonna roll.
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Peter LaBarbera is a conservative Christian, an anti-gay activist, and someone I follow on Twitter.

This tweet of Peter's inspired me a new play—just my second:

JESUS AND THE [A-HOLE]
A new play by Dan Savage
Curtain. Jesus Christ is sitting in a garden in quiet contemplation. One of Jesus's many followers, Peter, approaches Jesus.
PETER: "Jesus?"
JESUS: "Yes, my son?"
PETER: "I want a Jimmy John's sandwich and a bag of chips."
JESUS: "So go get a sandwich and a bag of chips."
PETER: "I can't, Jesus."
JESUS: "Why not?"
PETER: "Because a Jimmy John's sandwich costs more now thanks to Obamacare, Jesus, so I can't afford to get a sandwich and a bag of chips."
JESUS: "You are an a-hole."
PETER: "Excuse me, Jesus?"
JESUS: "Are you deaf? I said, 'YOU ARE AN A-HOLE.' You're seriously standing there [whining] about having to pay a little bit more for a sandwich?"
PETER: "You don't understand, Jesus, why should I have to pay for—"
JESUS: "Shut up, Peter. I was crucified for your sins and all I asked in return was for you people to be nice to each other—"
PETER: "But—"
JESUS: "Shut up, Peter. All I asked was for your people to be nice to each other. And you're telling me that you're not willing to pay fifty cents more for a [damn] sandwich so that the guy who made it for you—and his kids—can go see a doctor? You're not a Christian."
PETER: "But I go to church, Jesus, and I hate gay people so hard!"
JESUS: "Not good enough, Peter, not nearly good enough. Stop bothering me and go worship Thor or Mars or Zeus instead, okay? I don't want you calling yourself a Christian. You're a dick."
PETER: "I can't believe Jesus just called me a dick."
JESUS: "Yeah, well, you are a dick. I sacrificed my life for you and you can't sacrifice a bag of chips for the sandwich guy? Or scrounge up the extra fifty cents? Dick."
PETER: "But Jesus!"
JESUS: "Love one another as I have loved you, do unto others as you would have them do unto you, take care of the poor, take care of the sick, give away all that you have and follow me—does any of this ring a bell, you stupid a-hole?"
PETER: "Okay! Okay! I'm sorry! I'll go worship Thor!"
Scene.

Anonymous said…
Too funny. Not long ago, there was a thing on The Daily Show about one of the pizza places (Papa John's?) having to raise prices for the same reason, and we thought BIG DEAL. I have to side with Dan Savage on this one.

### On the Height of J.J. Barea

Dallas Mavericks point guard J.J. Barea standing between two very tall people (from: Picassa user photoasisphoto).

Congrats to the Dallas Mavericks, who beat the Miami Heat tonight in game six to win the NBA championship.

Okay, with that out of the way, just how tall is the busy-footed Maverick point guard J.J. Barea? He's listed as 6-foot on NBA.com, but no one, not even the sports casters, believes that he can possibly be that tall. He looks like a super-fast Hobbit out there. But could that just be relative scaling, with him standing next to a bunch of extremely tall people? People on Yahoo! Answers think so---I know because I've been Google searching "J.J. Barea Height" for the past 15 minutes.

So I decided to find a photo and settle the issue once and for all.

I then used the basketball as my metric. Wikipedia states that an NBA basketball is 29.5 inches in circumfe…

### Finding Blissful Clarity by Tuning Out

It's been a minute since I've posted here. My last post was back in April, so it has actually been something like 193,000 minutes, but I like how the kids say "it's been a minute," so I'll stick with that.
As I've said before, I use this space to work out the truths in my life. Writing is a valuable way of taking the non-linear jumble of thoughts in my head and linearizing them by putting them down on the page. In short, writing helps me figure things out. However, logical thinking is not the only way of knowing the world. Another way is to recognize, listen to, and trust one's emotions. Yes, emotions are important for figuring things out.
Back in April, when I last posted here, my emotions were largely characterized by fear, sadness, anger, frustration, confusion and despair. I say largely, because this is what I was feeling on large scales; the world outside of my immediate influence. On smaller scales, where my wife, children and friends reside, I…

### The Force is strong with this one...

Last night we were reviewing multiplication tables with Owen. The family fired off doublets of numbers and Owen confidently multiplied away. In the middle of the review Owen stopped and said, "I noticed something. 2 times 2 is 4. If you subtract 1 it's 3. That's equal to taking 2 and adding 1, and then taking 2 and subtracting 1, and multiplying. So 1 times 3 is 2 times 2 minus 1."

I have to admit, that I didn't quite get it at first. I asked him to repeat with another number and he did with six: "6 times 6 is 36. 36 minus 1 is 35. That's the same as 6-1 times 6+1, which is 35."

Ummmmm....wait. Huh? Lemme see...oh. OH! WOW! Owen figured out

x^2 - 1 = (x - 1) (x +1)

So $6 \times 8 = 7 \times 7 - 1 = (7-1) (7+1) = 48$. That's actually pretty handy!

You can see it in the image above. Look at the elements perpendicular to the diagonal. There's 48 bracketing 49, 35 bracketing 36, etc... After a bit more thought we…