Skip to main content

And Jesus said unto Peter: Shut up


More awesomeness from Dan Savage (toned down slightly for my blog). Don't read if your sensibilities are brittle. Here's the original. BTW, I believe that this is actually how Jesus rolled. Give up your wealth, help the poor, and if you act like a hypocritical whiner, tables are gonna get upturned and heads are gonna roll.
------------------------------
Peter LaBarbera is a conservative Christian, an anti-gay activist, and someone I follow on Twitter.

This tweet of Peter's inspired me a new play—just my second:

JESUS AND THE [A-HOLE]
A new play by Dan Savage
Curtain. Jesus Christ is sitting in a garden in quiet contemplation. One of Jesus's many followers, Peter, approaches Jesus.
PETER: "Jesus?"
JESUS: "Yes, my son?"
PETER: "I want a Jimmy John's sandwich and a bag of chips."
JESUS: "So go get a sandwich and a bag of chips."
PETER: "I can't, Jesus."
JESUS: "Why not?"
PETER: "Because a Jimmy John's sandwich costs more now thanks to Obamacare, Jesus, so I can't afford to get a sandwich and a bag of chips."
JESUS: "You are an a-hole."
PETER: "Excuse me, Jesus?"
JESUS: "Are you deaf? I said, 'YOU ARE AN A-HOLE.' You're seriously standing there [whining] about having to pay a little bit more for a sandwich?"
PETER: "You don't understand, Jesus, why should I have to pay for—"
JESUS: "Shut up, Peter. I was crucified for your sins and all I asked in return was for you people to be nice to each other—"
PETER: "But—"
JESUS: "Shut up, Peter. All I asked was for your people to be nice to each other. And you're telling me that you're not willing to pay fifty cents more for a [damn] sandwich so that the guy who made it for you—and his kids—can go see a doctor? You're not a Christian."
PETER: "But I go to church, Jesus, and I hate gay people so hard!"
JESUS: "Not good enough, Peter, not nearly good enough. Stop bothering me and go worship Thor or Mars or Zeus instead, okay? I don't want you calling yourself a Christian. You're a dick."
PETER: "I can't believe Jesus just called me a dick."
JESUS: "Yeah, well, you are a dick. I sacrificed my life for you and you can't sacrifice a bag of chips for the sandwich guy? Or scrounge up the extra fifty cents? Dick."
PETER: "But Jesus!"
JESUS: "Love one another as I have loved you, do unto others as you would have them do unto you, take care of the poor, take care of the sick, give away all that you have and follow me—does any of this ring a bell, you stupid a-hole?"
PETER: "Okay! Okay! I'm sorry! I'll go worship Thor!"
Scene.

Comments

Megan said…
Too funny. Not long ago, there was a thing on The Daily Show about one of the pizza places (Papa John's?) having to raise prices for the same reason, and we thought BIG DEAL. I have to side with Dan Savage on this one.

Popular posts from this blog

An annual note to all the (NSF) haters

It's that time of year again: students have recently been notified about whether they received the prestigious NSF Graduate Student Research Fellowship. Known in the STEM community as "The NSF," the fellowship provides a student with three years of graduate school tuition and stipend, with the latter typically 5-10% above the standard institutional support for first- and second-year students. It's a sweet deal, and a real accellerant for young students to get their research career humming along smoothly because they don't need to restrict themselves to only advisors who have funding: the students fund themselves!
This is also the time of year that many a white dude executes what I call the "academic soccer flop." It looks kinda like this:


It typically sounds like this: "Congrats! Of course it's easier for you to win the NSF because you're, you know, the right demographic." Or worse: "She only won because she's Hispanic."…

Culture: Made Fresh Daily

There are two inspirations for this essay worth noting. The first is an impromptu talk I gave to the board of trustees at Thatcher School while I was visiting in October as an Anacapa Fellow. Spending time on this remarkable campus interacting with the students, faculty and staff helped solidify my notions about how culture can be intentionally created. The second source is Beam Times and Lifetimes by Sharon Tarweek, an in-depth exploration of the culture of particle physics told by an anthropologist embedded at SLAC for two decades. It's a fascinating look at the strange practices and norms that scientists take for granted.
One of the stories that scientists tell themselves, whether implicitly or explicitly, is that science exists outside of and independent of society. A corollary of this notion is that if a scientific subfield has a culture, e.g. the culture of astronomy vs. the culture of chemistry, that culture is essential rather than constructed. That is to say, scientific c…

The Long Con

Hiding in Plain Sight

ESPN has a series of sports documentaries called 30 For 30. One of my favorites is called Broke which is about how professional athletes often make tens of millions of dollars in their careers yet retire with nothing. One of the major "leaks" turns out to be con artists, who lure athletes into elaborate real estate schemes or business ventures. This naturally raises the question: In a tightly-knit social structure that is a sports team, how can con artists operate so effectively and extensively? The answer is quite simple: very few people taken in by con artists ever tell anyone what happened. Thus, con artists can operate out in the open with little fear of consequences because they are shielded by the collective silence of their victims.
I can empathize with this. I've lost money in two different con schemes. One was when I was in college, and I received a phone call that I had won an all-expenses-paid trip to the Bahamas. All I needed to do was p…